Saturday, February 21, 2015

Diary entry 1: Angel



      Photo '08 (Angel 1yr Me 15yr)

Angel is sleeping while I write this post tonight, I can't help but feel all mushy inside when I see him sleep so innocently. His long beautiful lashes touch his rosy cheeks, my heart is melted with love. Sometimes I can't believe I'm his mother, me! I'm responsible for a human being, me! Nights like this make me wonder, have I failed my son, have I done all I can do, how can I become better, better for him. I am just so afraid to fail as a parent ......

I remember way back when, when Angel was just an infant and I was just a teen, and I held him in my arms so close. Man was I afraid. His tiny little hands clasped my finger and tears ran down my face as I whispered into his tiny little ears, "I will always fight to be better, better for you". After that moment it had become a promise between him and I. But I am the only one aware of this promise, a promise to fight for a better life!



"It's a battle I have within myself"


So tonight, nights like this make me wonder, did I fight hard enough or am I still fighting! I can't even tell anymore because sometimes I feel guilty, guilty because I don't want to lose a sense of who I am. But since I've become a mother, my life no longer belongs to me, I try to do my best to share my life with my son. But there are days I wish I could be selfish & take back what was mine to begin with. its a battle I have within myself. 

I wish someone handed me a handbook on how to do this thing called being a "parent" but along the way I got a chance to write my own. Its no perfect book, I broke a few rules along the way and I pretty much set myself up for failure. I set the exception way too high, but I'm glad I've managed to survive 

To all the single mothers out there, remember you're not alone! We are all in it together with one purpose in life, our children <3  


A letter to Angel:

       Dear Angel, 

 One day you will grow up, and I hope you will always look 
at me the way you do now.When you look at me I know you think of me 
as your world, I can see the love in 
your eyes. I know you think I can do no wrong, in fact,
 I know you think I'm super mom. One day you
 will grow up, please don't forget I fought for us, 
I protected you from harm, I tried my best to keep your 
innocence alive. One day you will grow up, you will no longer 
need me, but I will always need 
you! you are my world! One day you will grow up, you might not
 think I fought hard enough the way I thought about my own mother. 
But soon enough you'll have your own and you will know. 
On day you will grow up .........

- Love Mom 

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